one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
