I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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