I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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