God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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