I am full of burrito and curiosity
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
