omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
