Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
