omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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