Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
