Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
