Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
