So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
