Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
