i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
