you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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