Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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