my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
