I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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