We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
