after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
