Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
