He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
