Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
