Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
