i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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