Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I party with great urgency now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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