the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
