got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
