I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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