I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
