Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
