A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
