Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
