all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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