Where is the hickey?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
