Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
