How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
