we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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