Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
