Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
