So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
