last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
