Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
