this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
