Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My balls are so social today.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
