SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
