y did u give ur computer a hand job?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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