saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
