i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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