i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
