Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
